Yay!

It's funny how one song can trigger such strong emotion. I was on the phone with AT&T today, and the operator put me on hold while he fixed my bill. Usually, such random music is played and I end up doodling on the bill in boredom. But today, Wicked Game by Chris Isaak was played and it made me super happy. I was put back two years when I discovered the song and played it nonstop. The song makes me feel super sexy and brings back happy memories of hanging out with friends.

I know this post is a bit choppy, but I don't have much time to write nowadays. This summer has been horrible and I haven't had time for anything fun or enjoyable. In other news, I think I want to write a book. For the last few weeks, I have this dream where I see myself writing a book. I know exactly what I am writing about and even if I don't get it published, I might write this book for a little bit of self-therapy. I believe this is a sign and I should really set aside some time to write a book. I already have a page or so done. It's hard trying to organize all my thoughts and make them into something people want to read. Nonetheless, I'm excited to write down something entertaining for myself at least! :)

Evolution

I don't want to be my dad. I can't imagine being anything like that man I hated while growing up. Maybe hate is he wrong word to use, but that's how I remember feeling. I remember never wanting to leave my room in case I happened into him while he was in a bad room. I remember learning that lying is the best remedy for a bad situation. I learned to never come to my parents when I was in trouble or needed advice; I would only get yelled at and their advice would be from the 19th century anyway. Growing up, I became a loner in my own bedroom, only venturing out for school, food, and occasional tv breaks (which became nonexistent once I got my laptop). I love my parents for providing for me, but I can't deal with the 19th century mentality anymore.

Last Wednesday was my 21st birthday. I felt like I should have written a Declaration of Independence, but I knew the King of the family would have just tore me down.

I've been dreading this for the past two years but it's finally happened. I told my parents that I don't want to be a doctor. My parents are crushed and they are saying that I'm giving up. How can I possibly give up something that I don't want to do?! I've been convoluted in what I wanted to do with my life for the past 2 years. I got accepted to my choice university with a full scholarship and I thought I could conquer the world. I entered my undergraduate career as pre-med thinking that I would become a doctor and life would be great. However, I learned quickly that good grades took work, unlike high school. After working in a hospital, I learned that I didn't want to become a doctor.

My parents are heartbroken now. I'm having a quarterlife crisis. And my MCAT is on September 4th. FML!

Smoking - Obsession #2

Sexy or not?





















Even though I know the dangers of smoking, I find it so glamorous. It might be the old Hollywood classic beauties that used to light up and smoke so casually, yet sensual way. Or it might be because I grew up in an environment where people smoked, and the smell of cigarette smoke brings back fond memories of my childhood. Or it might be because the smell of cologne and cigarette smoke absolutely turns me on.

Smoking is a nasty habit though. Stale smoke that lingers on people or smoke that fills the corner restaurant makes food inedible is repulsive.

Even though smoking is an obsession of mine, maybe I just find the idea of it appealing. The ugly side of smoking is horrible. Waking up in the middle of the night with a craving addiction seems like such a lousy way to live.

Perhaps the bad, sexy girl persona smoking gives off appeals to my good Indian girl. Marilyn Monroe is the epitome of a woman in charge of herself. Maybe the independent woman in me screaming to get out and explore the world finds that smoking can bring freedom.

Whatever the case, smoking appeals to me! Bad, I know!

Saying it all without even saying anything

This song tells all my emotions right now, without any lyrics. Music is funny that way.

Grow UP!

It's so weird that my 21st birthday is coming up in 15ish days. I don't want what to expect. I want to be finally accepted as an adult in the eyes of my parents.

I want to be an adult. I want to be able to make my own decisions without my parents interfering. I want to be able to go places without asking for permission. I'm a bit jealous of my American friends that party at night or sleepover friends' houses. I'm not allowed to do any of that. Staying out past 10 is considered absolutely ridiculous in my house unless it's during finals, in which case I'm allowed to be in the library with my best friend (but they still call every hour to check up on me). I want to have some sort of freedom. I'm stuck at my parents' house now and after I get married to whatever ladoo they find in India for me, I'll be stuck with him and his old Indian values. I have nothing wrong with Indian values, in fact, I pride myself in being able to present myself as an Indian that was born and raised in America. However, I don't follow the culture to the key. I adopted the good things from the American culture and meshed it together with the Indian culture I was brought up in. However, my parents have a cow everytime I saw anything liberal or atypical to common belief. I don't want to raise my kids that way. I want my kids to grow up happy being themselves and not trying to be something else.

But that's a whole other tangent. Back to my discussion of becoming an adult... my younger sister is 16 and she is the baby of the household so my parents treat her like one. When I turned 16, my dad pushed me out of the house to learn how to drive to share responsibilities of the household such as getting milk from the store. However, they don't care if my sister learns or not. They want her to take her time and adjust to the fact that she might drive soon. How LAME! She needs a push too! My sister needs rides to her school, her friends' homes, and the store all the time. It's becoming such an annoyance. She needs a nudge to tell her to grow up and start becoming more independent.

This coming August, I have three weeks off. I asked my parents for a vacation in Europe with my sister and they freaked! They said that I was becoming a hooligan and I needed to stay at home and enjoy family time. I'm sick of family time. I want to be by myself and discover myself. I want to travel the world and find out things on my own without my dad saying judgmental things in my ear. I want to become my own person.

I crave to live by myself. My parents will never allow it, and I know it would take a miracle for me to move out of the house, and maybe that's why I desire it that much more. My independent growth is lacking because I'm not allowed to be independent. They are training me to be dependent on my husband and I will have none of that. I understand that a marriage is a co-dependence on each other, but I don't want to be one of those women who have no mind of their own.

I guess what I crave most with becoming an adult is freedom.

Obsession #1

I'm going to make a new section of my blog to list my old and new obsessions that make my life a little bit sweeter.

So here it goes!

Obsession #1
Braided Pigtails!!

I can't get enough of them! For the last two days, I've been braiding my hair into pigtails. I've tried doing a fishtail braid but those are harder for me to do on myself. Since my hair is layered, my braid turn out messy like Vanessa Hudgens. Nonetheless, I've even been complimented on them by a random guy. Haha!! They are cute, easy, and it gets my hair out of my face easily without me having to put it up in a bun. They are definitely my new summer trend.

When everything feels perfect....

....should I be worried?

When everything feels good and right with my boyfriend, should I believe that it's too good to be true? When he touches me in just the right places, do I think that he's only doing that to get some? Does he know that I look at him when we are laying down together while he talks to me with his eyes closed? Is it weird that our love is stronger after 3 years of amazing ups and suffocating downs?

I'm so happy and so...umm....I'm not even sure how to describe it. I feel content and absolutely at peace.

I'm a little bit scared that this is some kind of "calm before the storm", but then again, I want to savor these moments and keep the memories of today.